I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
