There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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