I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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