If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
