The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
