she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Randomize
