I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
