i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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