How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
