maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
