So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize