Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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