I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
