Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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