He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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