Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Who died my cat blue again?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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