My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I don't think brook has ever known best
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
