There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
