Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
