Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
