I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
