I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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