I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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