textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
