I just saw a hot homeless man
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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