We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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