ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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