You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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