I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
