Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
