so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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