I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So much rum. So many feels.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
