I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
