The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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