tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
