2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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