I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
