i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Is it penis luge time yet?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
