Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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