Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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