Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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