Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
