I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
