May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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