my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
