Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
