Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
