Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
