dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
