Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
